@LoukiaC

The most common new years resolution that most people make, is to “lose weight and get into shape”. Now we all know that this never really happens. We join the gym at 9am on the 1st of January and we are eating a dozen Krispy Kremes by lunchtime on the 1st of January. So as I sit here tonight on new years eve eve looking like JLO, hungover, mascara smeared across my face and hot wing bones at the foot of my bed, I am wondering what promises I should make and inevitably break, within the first 12 hours of 2012.

Like anyone, I always go for the typical options - weight loss, morning jogs in the park, spend less time with “bad men” and more time with men that are my boyfriend etc etc. But the truth is none of these are realistically feasible. First and foremost because I’m Mediterranean so I have to eat bread with everything including bread itself, I barely have energy to breathe in the morning let alone run, and like any girl, I rather enjoy the masochism involved in dating serial womanizers. And secondly, because all of those things are boring. Why the hell would I promise to torture myself for an entire year instead of going with the rassclart flow of life?

So anyway I decided I’d compile a list of resolutions I think I will enjoy doing. It’s probably more of a to do list really but, still - at least it consists of realistic things instead of promising myself I’ll look like a size zero Kate Moss, when really I look like JLO with thighs for weeks.

1. “My new years resolution is to get a cat, or a dog, or both” - I’ve always wanted a pet to be honest. It’s good practice for when my womb gets a human lodger in it. The good thing about a pet though, is that I won’t have to worry about screwing it up, or if it’s mixing with a bad crowd - it will love me if I feed it, which coincidentally is also the case for many men. Overall, the skills I will learn from my pussy (or doggy) are transferable for many life situations.
2. “My new years resolution is to watch more TV” - I love TV. I don’t watch nearly as much as I want to. All I watch is Eastenders really. In 2012 I hope to penetrate my mind with as much good shit (and bullshit) as possible.
3. “My new years resolution is to squander more of my money on things I want but don’t need” - I’m so sensible when it comes to money. I’m a great saver, an equally great spender and I’m the queen of, “doing the right thing” when itcomes to my finances. However in the new year I plan to be more reckless because someone said the world will end in 2012, so I don’t want it to end without having a Chanel bag on my shoulder to see it out with.
4. “My new years resolution is to go to Jamaica” - Obviously I am J.LO so I have already been to Jamaica, but in 2012 I will go under the alias I use on a daily basis “Loukia” and see wagwan for the locals there and because I like rum and coc…a cola.
5. “My new years resolution is to get asked for ID everywhere I go” - obviously this is out of my control and more of a hope than a resolution but today I went shopping and the sales assistant asked me which uni I go to which means I look 18, and last night I went out and was asked for ID which means I look younger than 18 and together these incidents mean I am winning at life.
6. “My new years resolution is to act less like a dumb broad and intimidate people with my distinction Masters degree and all the long words I know” - yes it’s true, I have a Masters. You would never guess it by reading my tweets. I’m quite bored of being an apologetic intelligent female and reducing myself to vapid comments and anecdotes awash with sexual innuendo though. In 2012 I promise I will spread my brain around more. (LOL, see!)
7. “My new years resolution is to listen to more bashment” - lol at this one really.
8. “My new years resolution is to go on more dates” - Dates are so nang. Especially for women. But remember you can’t go on dates with anyone random if you’re with someone, because that is called cheating. But also remember you CAN go on dates with the person you’re with, because that is not cheating. It is just enjoying life with your boyfriend/girlfriend and actually doing things, as opposed to just staying in and having sex all day, which is also nice but you will start chaffing eventually so it’s nice to break up the sex with a meal, or the cinema, or a museum etc…
9. “My new years resolution is to love my family and friends an immeasurable amount” - I am in love with love so I do this anyway, but I promise that in 2012 I will continue to love the people I love, with my whole entire love machine aka my heart and I will do more things that make them happy and joyful.
10. “My new years resolution is to be a don” - And this is the easiest of them all because I have been a don in life, since the year of my birth.

So there you have it - if you’re ever wondering what I’m doing in 2012, just assume it’s one of the above, or that I’m practising dance moves in front of the mirror in my bedroom.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!